love

Your words are killing me day by day

I’m going to be returning home to heaven with you. I couldn’t imagine anything more perfect than rolling around in your bed, getting high, drinking, making love, and turning nineteen.

There are boxes all around the room, there are unpacked suitcases, piles of clothes that don’t have a proper placed to be packed for now, a pile of books that need to be read, history to be studied, theory to be learned, more things to be packed, a $60 cabfare to be paid Thursday morning, a birthday dinner made by my friend to eat, a boy to kiss once I get home, family to spend time with for the next month overseas, books to read, things to do, a relationship to save, everything  everything everything…

The sense of urgency and pressure I feel at this point is driving me to a state of confusion and panic. I have an exam that will be 2/3 of my grade and I am sitting here at the computer listening to music to help me relax, distracting my mind from the important things on the internet. And this time wasted is indeed time wasted because still every moment, I enjoy none of it. If I have learned anything this year, it is that I have never known how loneliness, depression, and anxiety have affected me. I used to think that I was just introverted, just going through the same things that every college kid does, and perhaps I am. But I realized something was fucking wrong when I had a complete emotional breakdown last Sunday to the point where I repeatedly hit my head against the wall until I had a bump on my forehead and headaches from it. I realized something was fucking wrong when I kept scratching at my arms and legs to leave temporary marks just so that I could feel something. I thought depression was just a lot of sadness, but even more just emptiness. And I have realized that anxiety has inhibited me from doing simple things, like asking when people go out to dinner (so I would end up skipping dinner), or to attend one of my best friend’s freshman recital because I had no one to go there with. Every time in class when I decided to answer a question, my heart would beat so fast that I was terrified of speaking. I don’t know what to do, and I thought how this is how I’ve always been but the fact that my grades, oh my grades, sometimes depend on my participation, which is so difficult of me to do, stresses me out more.

And oh, my grades. What is good enough, what isn’t, am I going to law school, is going to law school practical, will anything pay besides a mundane job in corporate law? What am I going to do, where am I going to live, am I going to succeed, will anything ever go my way?

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m just rambling and I need to study.

You thought you fell in love with me and told me that you loved me. You said I was beautiful and that it would be nearly impossible to get over me. You made me feel like I was your world and yet I never understood why.  Because the truth was more likely that you were never really in love with me, you were in love with the idea of being with me and the idea of who I was in your head. You thought I was a perfect girl who could never hurt you the way that I did because the reality is that I was never as wonderful as you thought, and once you realized this, after my lies and the false hope I gave you,you realized the truth. You have moved on as you should’ve so long ago before you had fallen even further.

You may have been the first boy to kiss me and the first boy that said you loved me, but you were not the first to truly love me at all.

I fully believe that somehow everything that happened, good or bad, had to have happened in order for us to have ended up together. Every little event that seemed negligible still happened. You didn’t end up with her for a reason, and something always kept from becoming his. And yet my being with him made you realize that I was someone that you needed. And Connie messaging me about the situation made my feelings for you rise up again more than ever. And before that there were so many times that we could have lost contact, yet your actions and my actions prevented us from completely letting each other go. Every song I listen to reminding me of that first summer brings up all the hopes I had as a naive 16 year old about what love could’ve been with you. And here I am, nearly 3 years after our first meeting and having spent 500 days as your one and only. It is still painful for me to think about the past because so much of it was my unrequited crush on you, that insecurity and those butterfly feelings of “does he like me, or does he not like me?” But perhaps nothing compared to the real butterflies that led up to our first kiss, a night that could’ve gone differently had I not decided to go with you. And in that moment, when 2012 began I finally, finally knew that I had you as mine. You were everything I wanted and you continue to be everything that I want and need in my life. I never knew I could love until you came into my life, and you are the reason that I continue to live mine. 

You don’t want to be all that I care about and all that I put my energy into. I give too much, I pour it all in, my entire self is wrapped around your being and your mind and your heart and your soul. Is it suffocating you? Will it suffocate you so that you can no longer breathe with me here? Because it is suffocating me, it is filling me up, my heart is consumed by you, every thought I have is about you. I want to know who you are now but I want to know who you were before me, and who you were when you got to know me. And I need to know everything, every everything awful because I know that at least it can’t be getting any worse than that. And I need to feel all these terrible feelings and thoughts now so that I can condition myself for what may be inevitable, your betrayal, your falling out of love with me, you leaving me for another. Whatever may happen, even if it won’t. And every action you take I notice, I need to know why, what is on your mind, am I on your mind like you are on mine? And you can see it makes me insane, irrational, oversensitive, jealous. Is love supposed to hurt this bad? Is loving you killing me? Every day without you I feel as if I am dying, but every day we approach death regardless. I love you with so much of myself that there isn’t any love left for anything else. Not myself, not my passions, not my time, Just absolutely nothing and I feel like an empty shell because you don’t give me the same amount of love back.

You, you are unlucky that I love you because it is overwhelming, it is too much, it is too dramatic and too complicated and too messy. I don’t believe that you could ever love me back because I do not see anything that I love about myself, because I have thrown it all away to you. Give some of it back. Make me feel loved too.