There are boxes all around the room, there are unpacked suitcases, piles of clothes that don’t have a proper placed to be packed for now, a pile of books that need to be read, history to be studied, theory to be learned, more things to be packed, a $60 cabfare to be paid Thursday morning, a birthday dinner made by my friend to eat, a boy to kiss once I get home, family to spend time with for the next month overseas, books to read, things to do, a relationship to save, everything everything everything…
The sense of urgency and pressure I feel at this point is driving me to a state of confusion and panic. I have an exam that will be 2/3 of my grade and I am sitting here at the computer listening to music to help me relax, distracting my mind from the important things on the internet. And this time wasted is indeed time wasted because still every moment, I enjoy none of it. If I have learned anything this year, it is that I have never known how loneliness, depression, and anxiety have affected me. I used to think that I was just introverted, just going through the same things that every college kid does, and perhaps I am. But I realized something was fucking wrong when I had a complete emotional breakdown last Sunday to the point where I repeatedly hit my head against the wall until I had a bump on my forehead and headaches from it. I realized something was fucking wrong when I kept scratching at my arms and legs to leave temporary marks just so that I could feel something. I thought depression was just a lot of sadness, but even more just emptiness. And I have realized that anxiety has inhibited me from doing simple things, like asking when people go out to dinner (so I would end up skipping dinner), or to attend one of my best friend’s freshman recital because I had no one to go there with. Every time in class when I decided to answer a question, my heart would beat so fast that I was terrified of speaking. I don’t know what to do, and I thought how this is how I’ve always been but the fact that my grades, oh my grades, sometimes depend on my participation, which is so difficult of me to do, stresses me out more.
And oh, my grades. What is good enough, what isn’t, am I going to law school, is going to law school practical, will anything pay besides a mundane job in corporate law? What am I going to do, where am I going to live, am I going to succeed, will anything ever go my way?
I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m just rambling and I need to study.